Weighty Issues

I have always been a big girl! I think it was Oprah who said all big girls know their exact weight from any given time in their life. SO TRUE! I remember the dreaded weigh ins near the beginning of each school year. We never knew exactly when they were coming, but I always tried to guess so I could 'fake sick' and miss it. The only year that worked was 6th grade. But, I remember my weights from all other years:
1st grade: 60 lbs
2nd grade: 74 lbs
3rd grade: 87 lbs
4th grade: 101 lbs
5th grade: 127 lbs
7th grade: 177 lbs
8th grade: 198 lbs
In high school, we didn't have official weight/height checks, but I remember wearing a size 13 when I started 9th grade and weighing 235 my sophomore year. I lost a little bit of weight, and was about 215 at graduation.
I met my husband the night of graduation. He was a big guy too....about 330 at the time. We spent almost all our time together eating fast food and watching movies and we both quickly piled on more weight. From June of 1994 to February 1997, I went from 215 to 355.
In 1997, I applied to be a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This was before the new weight guidelines were put in to place. When I had my physical for the missionary application, I was 355. The first presidency returned my application to the stake president saying that they were concerned about my weight and wanted me to write a statement at how I would control my weight as a missionary. I said I would work to lose as much weight as possible and when I was on my mission I would limit portions and exercise.
I was about 330 when I left for my mission in April of 1997. I lost about 22 lbs in the 8 weeks I was in the MTC. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, but there was not fast food and very little junk food, plus I walked quite a bit.
In the next 16 months, I was in California. We ate with church members on most nights, and they usually would feed us each enough for a small army. It was well known that the members in the area were easily offended if missionaries didn't eat all the food they were given....so I did eat quite a bit. But, again, we ate very little fast food and walked a lot. When I returned home in October 1998, I was about 275. I gained about 15 lbs pretty quickly after returning home. But, determined not to gain it all back, I joined the YMCA and attended a nutrition class. I was pretty strict about what I ate and exercised 2-3 hours 5 days a week. I got down to about 240 in about 4 months. Then, I went on vacation to California with my cousin and ate whatever I wanted...I gained about 10 lbs and then came home and kept on gaining. That was the last time I lost more than a few pounds. I quickly put on all I lost and was back to about 350 by 2002.
I got down to about 330 in 2004 and maintained that til 2009. That was a huge success to me. Even though the number was ridiculously high....I stayed between 330-335 for about 5 years. I had never maintained a weight for 1 year, let alone 5....and my husband and I separated twice during that time....to me that was real progress.
But, that changed...not exactly sure when, but between February and December 2009, I went from 330-370....what? how? Eating too much obviously ....but, wow! I went to the Dr. in July and was 358, then in October and was 365.
I've been really depressed about it, and half heartedly making a plan at how to change it. I'm tired of being and fat and even though I haven't had any major health issues yet, I know as I get older, it only becomes more of a risk, plus it's harder to lose.
I had pretty much decided to go to Weight Watchers, but would wait til January, after the holidays.
A friend at work, IM'd me saying 'I'm joining weight watchers'. We chatted for a few minutes about how frusterated we are with our weight. She's probably about 100 lbs lighter than me, so I was really surprised that I was so comfortable talking to her about it. I NEVER talk about my weight except with my husband and his family, my cousin Lisa, Christy or Lulu.
Obviously, people have a pretty good idea of how much I weigh and how much I must eat to obtain/maintain that weight. But, for some reason, I just can't talk about it. I'm ashamed and uncomfortable.
I told Carrie that I should join her and she said let's go. She said she was going to start the following Tuesday (2 days BEFORE Christmas). I thought about it for about a minute and told her I was in.