I believe...

I've had many trials in my life, who hasn't? They've shaped me into who I am today, both the good and bad. I've had people tell me it's only natural that I think or act a certain way because of XYZ that happened. I refuse to accept that! I think I have accepted it for a while but no more! I am not my circumstances! I am not a Victim! I choose how I act and think, I will not let others or past events define me!

With that said, my thoughts are affected by my experiences. I can't change the past, I can only learn from it. There are many things that I've held onto for so long and until I work thru them, they will make it hard to move forward. I'm not sure how to work thru things that are over, maybe that's why I've never really tried before. My plan for now is to write about each event or experience, let it out and not hold onto it anymore. Of course, I've shared part of these thoughts with friends, but not everything.

The first thing I want to write about isn't really an event, but an experience that lasted over 30 years. It will always be some part of me, but I will not be a part of it any longer. I grew up a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know Mormons have received a bad rep forever but I always tried to stick up for them and ignore the hype. I've finally decided to step back and look at it as what it really is, a cult. This weekend was the Mormon general conference where Mormons from all over the world gather in Utah (and watch via satelite worldwide) to listen to their prophets and leaders. Because most of my family members and many of my friends are still active in the church, I got to read status updates on Facebook about it all weekend long. So it's something that's been on my mind a little more than normal.

It's hard to eplain to someone who hasn't experienced it. People change churches all the time, it's no big deal right? Wrong! Mormonism isn't just a church. It's a culture! Everything you do or don't do is because of your religion. You are told how to live your life, how to think, shit! even what kind of underwear to wear! Without even looking at the doctrine, there are so many things wrong with that. I spent the majority of my life trying to life up to the perfect 'Molly Mormon' image. I went to church every Sunday, taught children's and youth classes including seminary, a class for high school students weekdays before school. I served a mission, spreading the lies of mormonism to Hispanic Immigrants in the San Fernando Valley of California. I read and prayed to 'gain a testimony' and 'feel the spirit', but I never did. I always thought something was wrong with me. Why Couldn't I feel it? I wanted to so bad! I spent my whole life trying to conform, thinking what they told me to think and burying any opinions that were different.

I'll go into why I don't believe it anymore at another time. Right now, I want to look at the culture of it. A perfect Mormon woman would marry a Mormon man in a Mormon temple (usually at age 18-22), have 6-10 children, stay at home raising them ( the really faithful ones will also homeschool them). They will play the piano and teach their children to play by the time they turn 8. They will always be fit, regardless of how recently they had a baby. Their house will be perfectly clean at all times. The house will be furnished with old but classic styles of furniture. Window coverings, throw pillows and quilts will be home sewn. All meals will be cooked entirely from scratch. They will have a year's supply of food stored at all times (even if that means hiding it under the bed or covering it with a tablecloth to pose as a side table). The majority of her and her children's clothes will be home sewn. They will always be dressed in perfect mormon fashion (no showing of cleavage, upper arms or legs) The children will always have matching outfits for church and the girls will have huge bows in their hair. They will spend their days being the perfect homemaker. Catering to their husband and children's every need. They will take meals to and visit the sick. They spend time doing crafts, studying the scriptures and teaching their children what to believe based on their religion. They teach classes at church on Sunday and attend the temple at least once during the week where they do 'saving ordinances' for the dead.

How has this affected me? In many ways, but the two biggest are it has messed up my self esteem and made it difficult for me to have my own opinions and thoughts. I never fit the Molly Mormon mold. I've always been overweight, grew up as an only child with just my dad, never learned to sew or play the piano, am not very creative and don't have a natural ability to do crafts. I always felt like an outcast in Mormon culture. But, this was my problem, I needed to work harder to conform. I tried to do crafts even though I hated them. I taught classes even though I didn't understand or really agree with everything I was teaching. I didn't get married right out of high school. When I did, he wasn't white (which was frowned upon by old school mormons), he joined the church for me but was never really into it. So, I was at church by myself being chastened to get my husband to church. I had two miscarriages, but was never able to carry a baby to term. Thankfully, my husband came with Mosia so I got to be a mom, so I wasn't completly useless. But, I still got the comments constantly about when I was going to have more children. One is not good enough!
So, I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I've always been insecure and honestly haven't liked myself much.
Because they tell you what to do and what to think about everything. I never really developed my own opinons. Sure, there were times I didn't agree with what was told, but it came from a 'prophet of God' so how dare I disagree. Then, I'd be upset with myself because I didn't agree and the cycle of bad self esteem continued.

It's only been a few months since I decided that I will no longer call myself a Mormon. I feel like I will always be in a battle to build my self esteem/positive self image and the idea that I can think and believe how I want to is hard to get used to. I am so excited for the upcoming presidential election! I can vote for Obama without feeling guilty for betraying the church! I have never voted before because I was always taught to agree with Republicans and I didn't always. I don't always agree with Democrats either, but I wasn't going to vote if I couldn't vote for whoever I agreed with, regardless of their party. This year I can! I am working on building the courage to ask to have my name removed from the records of the church! My only hesitation is that my cousin's husband is in the bishopric of the congregation I'm assigned to, so they will know when I do. I know they will talk to me about it, and I'm preparing for that. The church doesn't necesarily shun people that leave, but you are looked down on. I know I will be the topic of many family gatherings. I have cousins in Utah that have left the church. Regardless of how long ago, they are still talked about and prayed for. I need to live my life so I feel proud of who I am and what I do with my time on earth. I'm not going to live only to please others.

The Church has a set of 13 beliefs called The Articles of Faith that detail many of the core beliefs of Mormonism. They all begin with 'We Belive'. From when you are first able to talk, these are drilled into your head. I finally get to work on figuring out what I believe, no more 'we believes' for me.