Changes

April was a hard month in my marriage. Communication has been something we've struggled with for a long time. But, it was getting worse.We weren't really arguing. But, we barely spoke. When we did, it was the bare minimum. He was taking long 'walks' every night. He'd leave about 10 and come home about 2 or sometimes later. Whenever I asked him about it, he'd ask why I couldn't be happy he was exercising and trying to get healthier.
The Saturday before Easter, Kojak went to his brother in law's performance with his sisters. Everyone came home about 11 except for him. I called him to see where he was and he said he was with his friend Ike. I went to sleep and woke up about 3:30 and he still wasn't there. I called him and he said he was leaving Ike's house (about 20 minutes away) and should be home soon. I went back to sleep and woke up about 6:30 and he still wasn't home. I called him but the voicemail came on right away.
I told the kids I'd take them to Easter egg hunts that day, so I did some chores around the house then got the kids up. We left about 10 and he still wasn't home. I tried calling again and it still went to voicemail. I was so upset but tried to hide it for the kids. While we were at the park for the hunt, he called about 12:30 and said he saw his cousin Manu in the parking lot getting into it with his girlfriend so he had to go help him. Ok, I get that. But, you couldn't have called? So, he was supposedly on his way now. He finally got home about 4:30. I was so mad but just wanted my marriage to work. I didn't talk to him for a while after he got home. He was very apologetic and we talked a little and were slowly getting back to 'normal'.
A few days later, he went with his sister Tofu to see a friend's mom who was in the hopital. Tofu came home about 9 but Ko didn't. I called him and he said he was staying with his friend because he was upset about his mom but he should be home in a couple hours. I left for work at 5 AM and he still wasn't home. That night we talked about it and he was really defensive like he didn't do anything wrong. After that, his 'walks' got longer and if I said anything about them he wouldn't talk to me.
On May 3, we had a good evening. We ate dinner with the kids, then played cards alone, laughing and talking. He said he was going for a walk after. I asked if he could go earlier so he'd be back earlier. He agreed. He left about 8:30 and said he'd be back by 10 to go to sleep with me. I called him when I was going to bed and he said he'd be home in a few minutes. When I woke up about 3 he still wasn't home. I called him and he said he came upstairs and I was asleep so he was outside punching the punching bag. I said ok. I went downstairs and of course he wasn't there. I called him and he said he walked away right when we got off the phone. Ok, it'd beed less than 2 minutes. I asked him to come back so we could talk and he said no. I asked him if I could come pick him up and he said no and kept telling me to go back to bed.
I sat on the couch and bawled! I was miserable! I hated being lied to and not being allowed to be upset! I hated that he felt he had to lie to me! I hated staying awake waiting and wondering. What was more important than being home with me? What was so important that he had to lie to me about it? I decided right then that that was going to be the last night I sit awake wondering. Either something had to change or it was time to move on. I cried so hard I was shaking. I wanted my marriage to work more than anything. I rehearsed in my head what I would say to him when he got home. I was hoping and praying that he'd just hold me and finally open up to me and tell me what he was thinking, what he was going through and that we could agree to work through it. But, I think in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen. That we were in different places emotionally and I was either going to have to continue waiting and wondering or have the strength to move on.
I stayed on the couch until about 7, he still wasn't home. I called work and said I was going to be late. He came home about 7:30. I sat by him and told him I loved him but I couldn't stay up all night wondering and worrying anymore. I needed him to understand where I was coming from and we needed to be a team and work through this together. He said he felt that we were in two different places and that neither one of us would ever be happy if we were together. I agreed. I wanted so much to disagree. But, I knew he was right. We kept going in circles. We'd try really hard for a while, then fight, then stop talking, then seperate. Then do it all again. We both need more than that. I know I need more than that. I want to be valued and appreciated. I was not feeling that at all! So, on May 4th, we decided that we were going to get divorced. I told him it would take me some time to be able to move out. So, we agreed that we'd continue living together until I could find an apartment.
Needless to say, the month of May was a little awkward. I stayed at the house, we shared a room but slept in different beds. We got along ok for the most part, but it was still pretty weird.